What Might Have Been

In this very moment things are pretty rough. There’s a lot of tension and expectations. Tons of stress. Though I think I’m a bad ass most of the time, its times like these that I am not. I’m not sure of what is to happen next or who will be there. Hell I’m not even really sure of who I am anymore. I know that I’m a fighter. I know that I love genuinely. I know that I love you. But all I can think of right now is where did I go wrong? What happened? How is it that I at times can see past the mistakes and imperfections and other times I just cannot. How is it that I can reveal so much that’s in my sole to the one I love yet it feels not good enough. Or was it? How do I even know that with so many other things going on? Did we forget that it was each other that pulled us through? Did we forget about all our moments? Did we forget what brought us together? Wasn’t it love?

Remember when we didn’t even know each other? And just like that we were having hot chocolate? Its actually pretty crazy how this all happened. “I’ll take two”. How is that even a pick up line? Oh love works in crazy ways I guess. What an adventure we’ve had. It was like a roller coaster ride. The Zippn Pippn. But like all roller coasters, the ride had to end sometime.

Life has just seemed to flash before our eyes. Without even giving us the moment of appreciation for each other. It flew by so much faster than expected. Neither of us caring as to what the other needed. It was almost like we were invisible to each other until all of a sudden a shadow appeared and there we were. That was when we realized we should probably take some time for each other. But at the same moment realizing it was too late. There was anger and frustration. Sadness and loneliness. Guilt. Confusion. Finally we start to think to ourselves that we have too many issues or past history. Or that we have too many other things going on within ourselves that we just can’t seem to find the time anymore. How does that happen? How can we so easily forget that we have someone we love so deeply right there in front of us? How is that not enough? How is the struggle not worth it? It makes no sense. Its quite sad. It had become so easy to hurt one another. Where did the good go? WE should have talked less and listened more.

If only the truth was told. If only the harsh words weren’t spoken. If only the past didn’t exist. If only we had taken the time to love..

I want you to know that in this moment as I lay in our bed and watch you sleep, for what may be the last time, that I love you. I am embracing everything in me to be connected to you. Mind, body and soul. I can see the chain of events as well as choices we’ve made that got us to where we are today. It seems we have become incredibly used to this cycle so much that we both believe now that there is no fight left. I find myself so in love yet I find myself surprised and disturbed by it. Not because it’s not real, but because it’s so real I’m finding it hard to understand why it’s over. Is this just a dream? Please wake me from this nightmare if it is and bring us back home. I can’t take it anymore.

The love tank has emptied? There’s no way I believe that. But I guess now that it’s morning and it’s a new day, we start alone. I will miss you. And I love you. Always have. Always will.





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