I Will Not Be Second Best

I think as woman we settle for a lot less than we deserve. It kinda sucks but we do it all the time. 

We often accept being in a relationship with someone who is just not as much into us as we are into them. It may have not started that way of course. In the beginning it was probably unicorns and video games. All kinds of fun shit and plenty of romance to boot. Eventually, a bunch of shit happens. 

So why do we do it hey? 

Maybe we do it because we think the person will eventually realize how amazing we are and choose to be with just us and us alone. Maybe we do it because we are just so head over heels in love that we will accept whatever tiny bits of themselves they are willing to share with us.

When-you-choose-to-be-devastated-by-a-man-who-is-not-your-boyfriend

Sometimes we do it because we are already committed to the person and we hope that they will find their way back to us.

I have found myself in this situation more than I can count with one person.. this gut-wrenching and painful experience I have promised myself I will never ever repeat again in my life. ever.

I allowed myself to be the “other woman,” even though I never imagined I would be in that situation as I talked mad shit about anyone else that was in such a predicament. And although I was very much led by my thoughts and very vulnerable heart, I still carry a deep amount of shame I’ve never truly let go for my selfishness and lack of good judgment. Stupid me. 

 What a tangled web we weave. What one endures, one must endure again, but from the opposite perspective to truly learn the lesson.

I did not accept being his 2nd choice any of those times, I realize now that  much of that was pride and even more of it was ego.

In the first instance when I felt the longing for something I could never have mixed in with “I deserve better than this so why the hell am I doing it,” I had the courage to walk away and so did he.. (he got his wife pregnant)  I cut off contact so I could move forward with what was left of my dignity. Not sure I even had any really but that was my thinking at the time.. and he cut ties to work things out with his now pregnant wife.

Although I knew in my heart he would never choose me, there was some part of me that couldn’t let go for a long time. 

Because if he would leave her for me, I reasoned, it would prove that I was enough. 

(That eventually happened by the way. But not so much because it was “for me” but because the marriage failed and she found her arms around a new man because she too felt like “the other woman”. She had finally left and found her happy. And from there a whole new series of events happened and here I was again.. back with my ex.)

 When my ex could not choose me, the girl he was having an affair with, the girl he claimed to love so much and wanted to spend his life with.. yet couldn’t leave the marriage, I chose to walk away several times. I was full of pride and I’d be damned if I was going to be the default winner by forcing his hand. If he was unable to let her go after numerous attempts, he had already made his choice in my mind.

1563

I was the loser over and over again.

As I began to heal from this breakup,and also the trauma and heartbreak of having lost him to her or whomever it was at the time, I felt my shadow side start to emerge. It seemed to have me wanting to choose men over and over again who were not entirely emotionally available which is what I said I wanted in my mind. By choosing these types of men to it allowed me to play out my old story of “I’m not enough” since they never could choose me anyway. 

I had finally hit the wall and had enough when after may attempts with my ex —who I considered to be one of the nicest, most authentic guys I had ever met (and who I felt was also into me), constantly went to other woman for comfort or sex at times. We would break up because of some fight that led to no intimacy that just led him to want it and since I wasn’t providing him with what he needed, he went and found it. 

At the end here I pushed him so far away. He tells me I abandoned him which I feel is a harsh word but his nonetheless. I chose to not accept the late night messages with girls that of course he would delete. I chose to not want to be part of his flirtatious ways and accepting of him sending flowers to someone else, or going to meet someone without him even mentioning it but finding out from someone who had seen him. I had chosen to be a dick because I wanted him to see how he hurt me. How his actions were hurting me. And I wanted him to see the pain in my eyes, or the hurt in my texts.. but instead he did the opposite. He left. Again. And went right into the arms of another woman. Again. 

It felt once more that I was not someone’s first choice…but one of many who had to compete with some other woman for the top spot. 

Things didn’t go so well for me here as he got this girl pregnant also. Yes, that’s two babies now. And I suppose I should tell you that when he got his wife pregnant as I stated above, I took that baby in like it was mine the day we saw each other and decided to give it another go. ( crazy huh? The things we do for love.) 

It was then that I  finally knew what I wanted.

cbAibIcO

I want someone who chooses me.

Me and only me. I want a man who sees me and everything I have to offer. Someone who doesn’t have to be sampling all the other selections in the market at the same time he is savoring me. Don’t I deserve to be his one and only choice for at least a period of time until we decide that it’s not going anywhere? Like why can he decide on his own. and why wasn’t I able to sample too since that was the decision made? 

I don’t want to be the seductress. Or the girl that he’s wildly turned on by or just attracted to. I don’t want to just be the girl he’s comfortable with. The girl he plays video games with. 

I don’t want to be the girl who comes in and is used as his “escape” from whatever personal crisis he is wrestling with in his life. I don’t want to be the girl that he comes to only when everyone else said no. 

I want to be chosen. Not selected as the next best option because somebody else didn’t work out, but chosen.

I’ve now realized that I can only be chosen if I acknowledge that I alone am the one who puts myself in situations where I’m competing with someone else to prove that I’m enough.

I AM ENOUGH. I know that I am enough.

ec062494c10db031ce892d9a8310f1ab

So now I’ve decided to let go of that story so that I can attract not just something good…but something better. Something and someone who makes me feel safe, appreciated, respected and loved. The way all of us long for and deserve.

And when I am chosen, and he is chosen, my happily ever after will begin. <3 

 

Be Sociable, Share!

One thought on “I Will Not Be Second Best

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.